The S&P 500 surged today as investors collectively decided that a complete naval blockade and potential nuclear exchange are actually "bullish indicators" for the tech sector.

While the US military begins blockading Iranian ports, local retail investors in Singapore were seen frantically rubbing their Moomoo apps for good luck, hoping the ensuing chaos would finally push their shitty penny stocks back to break-even.

"Walao, a bit of war is good for the market one, it creates 'dynamic volatility' or whatever the fuck my 22-year-old financial advisor said," remarked local uncle Lim Keng Huat, who has lost 40% of his life savings on leveraged options.

Home Affairs Minister K. Shanmugam has urged the Home Team to stand ready for regional instability, though most Singaporeans interpreted this as a sign to go buy more defensive stocks and canned sardines.

Market strategists noted that while the threat of global annihilation is "concerning," it is nowhere near as terrifying as the possibility of the Federal Reserve keeping interest rates high for another three weeks.

"If the Strait of Hormuz gets shut down, oil goes to $200, which means my Exxon shares will finally allow me to pay off my credit card debt," whispered one young professional while ignoring his mother’s frantic WhatsApp messages about World War III.

President Donald Trump’s claim that Iran "wants to make a deal" was greeted with the same level of skepticism usually reserved for a property agent claiming a studio apartment in Geylang is a "prime investment opportunity."

The Nasdaq’s 1.23% gain suggests that as long as Microsoft keeps selling software, the human race doesn't actually need a functioning planet to sustain a healthy quarterly earnings report.

At press time, local investors were seen Googling whether a direct hit on a major oil refinery would be classified as a "black swan event" or just a really great "buy the dip" entry point.

"Nukes are just spicy fireworks if you have a diversified portfolio," added Lim, before shouting "HUAT AH!" at a news report showing a literal warship on fire.