The Singapore government has declared a national day of mourning after Malaysia announced the East Coast Rail Link might finally allow cargo to bypass the Singapore Strait, effectively turning the Lion City into a very expensive, humid parking lot.

With 70% of the rail dedicated to cargo, Pahang residents are reportedly being trained to sit inside shipping containers and hold their breath for four hours to secure a passenger slot.

Local authorities in Kuantan are excited that the 665km track will finally allow KL hipsters to invade their old towns and ruin the local cafe scene with overpriced sourdough and TikTok dances.

Singaporean analysts remain skeptical that a train can replace a port, mostly because you can't launder billions of dollars through a freight carriage carrying timber and frozen durian.

The Ministry of Trade is currently brainstorming ways to make the Singapore Strait look more attractive to cargo ships, including installing giant neon lights and offering free vouchers for a mall that doesn't exist yet.

Hungry travelers have been informed that while the train shaves two days off delivery times, they will still likely perish from old age while queuing for a single slice of Kuantan mango cheesecake.

Meanwhile, Pahang residents have been advised that if they fail to secure a seat, they can simply lie flat on the tracks and hope the cargo train provides a dynamic massage on its way to Port Klang.