The Ministry of Education has launched a formal inquiry to determine whether a US degree’s bullet-wound scars carry more social prestige than chronic alcoholism from Oxbridge.

Local mother Mrs. Tan is reportedly struggling to decide if her son should return home as a gender-fluid Marxist or a pretentious prick who says ‘bloody hell’ every five minutes.

"US very good, can learn how to hide under desk during lecture, but UK also not bad because he can learn how to vomit in a gutter elegantly," Mrs. Tan remarked.

Economists suggest that while the US offers the thrill of dodging crossfire, the UK provides the essential skill of surviving on beans on toast and damp misery.

The PSC confirmed that scholars returning from Ivy Leagues will receive a 'Survival Bonus' for evading semi-automatics.

UK returnees are merely expected to sneer with a fake BBC accent that vanishes after three Tiger beers.