As the United Arab Emirates abandons the OPEC cartel, Singaporean petrol retailers have responded with the speed of a hungry crocodile by hiking pump prices before the headline even finished loading on 5G.

Local oil executives confirmed that while global supply might actually increase, the “sheer emotional stress” of reading news about “cracks” in the Middle East requires an immediate 50-cent surcharge per litre to cover their corporate trauma.

“Whether the UAE stays or goes is irrelevant to our business model of bleeding the public dry,” explained one station manager while polishing his gold-plated stapler.

“We saw a ‘crack’ mentioned in the Straits Times and interpreted it as a sign from the universe to make driving a luxury for anyone earning less than five figures.”

Economists predict that even if crude oil becomes literally free, Singaporean pumps will maintain high prices due to the high overhead costs of stocking those pathetic $2 triangle sandwiches and expired car fresheners.

Disgruntled motorists have been advised to stop whining and embrace the upcoming price surge as a patriotic contribution to the wealth of shareholders who have yachts to maintain.

The government has also reminded citizens that high fuel costs are a great way to encourage exercise, provided you do not mind frequent heatstroke.