The Singapore government has officially designated the local pickleball court as the only venue where citizens can legally suffer a cardiac event while wearing neon spandex.

Thousands of Singaporeans are now abandoning their families to secure a 60-minute slot on what is effectively a ping-pong table for people who have given up on life.

"Oi, I book ActiveSG at 7am sharp, you don't come and act blur hor!" screamed 68-year-old retiree, Lim Teck Bee, while brandishing a $500 carbon-fibre paddle.

"Aiyoh, my heart valving failing already, but still must win this uncle from Block 402, if not where to put my face?"

Sociologists claim the sport's popularity stems from the fact that it requires less physical exertion than a slow-motion funeral procession.

"Last time we lepak at coffeeshop, now we lepak on court and pretend to be Roger Federer," noted bystander Serene Ng.

"Actually we just come here to see who got more expensive shoes only."