SkillsFuture Singapore revealed that only 46.9% of private university graduates found full-time jobs, confirming the rest are majoring in "Staying at Home and Pissing Off Their Parents."

With a median salary of $3,500, these scholars can finally afford a McSpicy meal and exactly one cigarette behind a dumpster.

Director-general Angela Tan praised their “adaptability,” which is government-speak for being willing to do sai kang for peanuts while NUS elites laugh from their ivory towers.

“My $50,000 degree is doing wonders as a coaster for my Tiger Beer,” said one SIM graduate currently "freelancing" as a professional failure.

Local HR managers confirmed that private uni resumes are mostly used as napkins for their $15 CBD salad bowls.