Singaporean couples are flocking to the Mandai Wildlife Reserve to study the mating habits of baboons in a desperate attempt to fix their sexless lives.

The S.E.A. Aquarium has reported a 400% increase in "accidental" groin-rubbing against the glass of the shark tank.

Local experts suggest that the sight of a rutting rhino provides more sexual education than a decade of government-issued pamphlets.

"Wah lau, the dugong also more action than my husband, I tell you," said 32-year-old administrative assistant, Mavis Tan.

"At least the hammerhead shark don't need blue pill to get up, damn sian."

Zookeepers have been forced to install "No Dry-Humping" signs near the pygmy hippo enclosure to prevent public indecency.

The stench of desperation now officially outweighs the smell of elephant dung across the entire northern precinct.