The National Environment Agency has officially designated East Coast Park’s shoreline as a "High-Density Synthetic Biosphere."

This follows a record-breaking weekend where patriotic residents successfully replaced 80% of the natural sand with crushed beer cans and sodden cigarette butts.

"Wah lau, last time I see only sand, so sian one," said frequent beachgoer Lim Kopi.

"Now got so many colourful plastic bags, the beach look like NDP parade sia, damn heng ah!"

Environmentalists are praising the "innovative" way Singaporeans have integrated non-biodegradable waste into the diet of local monitor lizards.

Tourists are even being charged a premium "Discovery Fee" to accidentally step on a rusty safety pin or a discarded diaper.

"My boy find one oily face mask, he think is rare jellyfish, so smart hor?" remarked a proud auntie.

This strategic accumulation of filth ensures that the only thing "Green" about Singapore remains the ERP signs.