Dating in Singapore has reached peak efficiency as couples flock to cinemas to escape their parents’ prying eyes in cramped flats.

Local cinema chains have responded by installing industrial-grade night-vision cameras to ensure no one accidentally experiences genuine physical intimacy.

"The air-con so cold, my kuku bird shrink until become like frozen fishball," complained 24-year-old serial dater, Lim Kopi.

"I try to hold her hand, but we both shivering until like we having a seizure, then she think I doing some kinky vibration pattern."

Despite the $15 popcorn, couples continue to pay for the privilege of sitting in a dark room with three hundred strangers while pretending not to touch themselves.

National experts suggest that the lack of lighting is the only thing keeping the national birth rate from plummeting into a total abyss.

"Last time I try to make out, but the auntie next to me keep crunching her snacks so loud until I lose my mood," said another disgruntled patron.