Singaporean men have reached a new peak of romantic efficiency by moving their entire mating ritual to the nearest open-air coffee shop.

Forget expensive candlelight; the ultimate aphrodisiac is now the lingering scent of floor-drain sludge and the distant scream of a chicken rice auntie.

“I bring her here because if she can tahan the sweat and the bird shit, she can tahan my mother,” said local bachelor Lim Kopi.

Experts suggest that the sight of a sweaty man shouting for more condensed milk triggers a primal, reproductive response in local women.

“He never even buy me drink, just ask me sit down on the oily chair, then ask if I want to see his CPF balance, so romantic sia,” swooned 24-year-old Cheryl.

This low-budget eroticism ensures that any potential offspring will be born with a natural immunity to salmonella and a lifelong fear of the ‘Return Tray’ police.