Singapore General Hospital staff recently celebrated the opening of their new emergency department by parading a glowing "Emergency" sign through the streets like a holy relic.

Over 150 employees abandoned their stations to walk in solidarity with a plastic box, as heart attack victims in the old block were presumably told to hold their breath for ten minutes.

The new facility is six times larger, providing significantly more floor space for patients to stare at the ceiling for fourteen hours before seeing a doctor.

Management confirmed the extra room allows for more efficient "code grey" incidents, where staff can be abused by entitled boomers in a more spacious, ventilated environment.

A highlight of the new wing is the high-tech MRI suite, which projects calming visuals of waterfalls to distract patients from the fact that their bank account is being liquidated in real-time.

"It’s the end of an era," sobbed one senior nurse, reminiscing about the old building where she spent thirty years traumatizing juniors for not folding bedsheets with surgical precision.

To ensure the building was ready for Singaporean life, authorities conducted a drill featuring a fake gunman, the rarest way a local will ever see a weapon without a permit.