SINGAPORE – The Singapore Exchange (SGX) has unveiled a groundbreaking new initiative to enhance market transparency: mandatory employment of certified astrologers and futurists on the boards of all listed companies. This radical interpretation of "forward guidance" aims to provide investors with unprecedented certainty regarding future performance and strategy.

"This progressive step ensures unparalleled clarity," stated an anonymous official from Singapore’s Ministry of Clairvoyant Economic Planning, "moving beyond mere financial projections to embrace the cosmic alignment of market forces." Companies on the SGX are now scrambling to fill new C-Suite roles like Chief Celestial Officer and Head of Predictive Patterns.

Local investors have reacted with cautious optimism. "Wah, finally can know if my investments up or down next week, no need bluff myself anymore!" exclaimed Mr. Lim, a retiree from Ang Mo Kio. "Now if only they can tell me next week's 4D numbers, then really shiok!" Experts predict a surge in demand for crystal balls and tarot card readings across the island nation as companies strive to meet the new prophetic disclosure requirements.