Inspired by Donald Trump’s claim that assassination attempts are the ultimate KPI, Singapore’s Ministry of Home Affairs has fast-tracked a $2 billion "Tactical Ministerial GCB" equipped with surface-to-air durian launchers.

Local MPs are reportedly fuming that they haven’t been shot at, viewing the lack of death threats as a stinging indictment of their political irrelevance.

"If no one is trying to put a bullet in my head, how can I justify my million-dollar salary?" grumbled one anonymous backbencher while polishing his pristine, un-bloodied white shirt.

The new facility, dubbed the "Impactful Alpha Ballroom," will feature bulletproof glass specifically designed to muffle the sounds of complaining taxpayers.

It will also house a "survivor’s lounge" where ministers can practice looking defiant in the face of mild criticism from online trolls.

"Trump proved that a bloodied ear is worth ten points in the polls," a government consultant noted.

"We are currently looking for a controlled, low-velocity assailant to graze a Senior Minister's shoulder during a community tree-planting event to boost his engagement."

The project aims to ensure Singaporean leaders feel as targeted and important as their American counterparts, even if the most dangerous encounter they face is a soggy prata at a hawker centre.