The Communicable Diseases Agency (CDA) has declared that possessing a biological body is now a high-risk security liability.

Health Minister Ong Ye Kung, currently livestreaming from a hermetically sealed golden orb in Geneva, reminded Singaporeans that Ebola spreads exclusively through bodily fluids.

In response, the government has officially outlawed sweating, crying, and spontaneous nosebleeds for the next 21 days to ensure public safety.

Specialized enforcement officers will be deployed at all checkpoints to manually inspect any suspicious moisture found on departing travellers.

"If you must bleed, please do so into an approved 100ml TSA-compliant container," a spokesperson stated while wearing four overlapping hazmat suits.

Citizens are strictly urged to hold their urine until the WHO says it’s safe to be a wet biological entity again.

Anyone caught leaking unauthorized fluids in public will be sentenced to a 21-day mandatory dehydration camp in the sun-scorched plains of Tuas.