Singaporean bosses have petitioned the Ministry of Manpower to raise employer CPF contributions to 100%, effectively liberating employees from the burden of ever touching their own salary.

The Singapore National Employers Federation argued that liquid cash is a dangerous gateway drug that leads to citizens making "unauthorised financial decisions" like eating three meals a day.

"Wa lau, why you want the money now?" asked HR Director Tan Ah Kow while lighting a cigar with a fifty-dollar note.

"Later you go spend on nonsense then old already come cry to Gahmen, better we keep all for you in the Special Account until you turn 120 years old, then can buy one packet of chicken rice."

Economists suggest this move will ensure every Singaporean dies with a record-breaking net worth, safely guarded by a CPF Board that promises to release the funds once the heat death of the universe occurs.

This visionary policy ensures that while Sinkies may be technically starving, their retirement accounts will be the envy of every corpse in the Mandai Crematorium.