A local coffee giant has officially decided that Singaporeans are no longer allowed to be mildly caffeinated for under five dollars.

Management confirmed that "human-sized" cups have been replaced by "XL" buckets to ensure maximum profit per bladder-bursting serving.

The new "XL" size is reportedly designed to hold enough liquid to drown a toddler or hydrate a small village.

"Eh, you think my stomach is water tank is it? $4.90 for kopi, better go rob bank lah!" shouted one disgruntled patron.

Staff members have been instructed to maintain aggressive eye contact until the customer’s payment app balance hits zero.

A spokesperson clarified that "XL" stands for "X-tra Looting," a core pillar of their new customer-hostile business strategy.