In a city where privacy is a myth and hotel rooms cost a kidney, Singaporean couples are turning to the North-South Line for their erotic fix.

The rhythmic jolting of the train provides more stimulation than a faulty vibrator from a Geylang back-alley.

Local couple, Shawn and Jolene, claim that the crushing weight of forty aunties during peak hour is the only thing that gets them off anymore.

“The auntie elbowing my kidney really adds that BDSM vibe I need,” Shawn whispered while adjusting his trousers.

“Last time we try do at home, but my mother keep knocking door ask if I want red bean soup,” Jolene complained.

“On the train, if I moan, people just think the air-con spoilt again or I got stomach pain, so it’s very safe one lah!”

SMRT officials have reportedly considered installing stripper poles, though commuters noted they are already used for groin-rubbing anyway.

Experts suggest that the smell of stale sweat and wet umbrellas is the new national aphrodisiac.

As the doors chime, the only thing rising faster than transport fares is Shawn’s excitement for a signal fault.