The Land Transport Authority has officially designated the "Taxi Uncle" as a protected national monument to ensure the survival of unsolicited geopolitical analysis.

Commuters must now pay a $5 "Wisdom" surcharge to hear how the government is secretly poisoning the tap water.

"Wa lau, you think I want to drive meh? Back pain until like what, but stay home wife nag only," complained driver Lim Ah Kow.

Drivers must refuse all Jurong West trips and maintain a baseline scent of Tiger Balm and unwashed armpit.

"Last time where got so many camera? Now everywhere also got, like big brother watching you," Lim added, picking his nose.

Any driver caught using GPS or keeping quiet will be immediately stripped of his vocational licence.