Singapore’s border control officers in Woodlands, Johor Bahru, have reportedly rejected a record 45,700 foreign visitors in 2025, citing new “enhanced vibe profiling” measures. With an unprecedented 245 million crossings, authorities are cracking down on individuals perceived as not fully embracing the Singaporean spirit of efficiency and unwavering optimism.

An anonymous government official, privy to the new protocols, stated, “We simply cannot risk allowing anyone in who might, say, prefer their kopi-o less sweet, or who exhibits signs of mild bewilderment when confronted with our national passion for queuing. Our security risks now include existential dread.”

Local resident, Mr. Tan Ah Kow, 58, commented, “Wah, so many foreigners want to come in! Good thing they send some back. Less crowd for my favourite hawker centre, can eat in peace. Shiok!”

Over 57,000 instances of “emotional smuggling” – attempts to bring in negativity, cynicism, or even just a slightly sullen expression – were also foiled at various entry points. Experts predict that by 2030, only those who can flawlessly recite the national pledge backwards will be granted access.