The Ministry of Education has finally addressed the national crisis of Singaporeans having too much unused potential and not enough useless certificates.

A new $500 credit top-up must be spent exclusively on the "Advanced Breathing for Maximum Productivity" module or citizens face public shaming.

"I take already the 'Sourdough Engineering' and 'Professional Kaypoh-ing' levels 1 to 4, but I still feel like a loser leh," complained 28-year-old overachiever, Tan Bo Chup.

"Next week I sign up for 'Funeral Planning for the Economically Active' so I can upskill even inside the coffin."

Authorities hope this perpetual learning loop will successfully distract the populace from the slow, crushing heat death of the universe.