Singaporean parents have begun listing their newborns on the local stock exchange to offset the crippling financial burden of infant care.

With monthly fees now higher than the bail for a disgraced CEO, families are forced to treat their offspring as high-risk venture capital projects.

Market analysts suggest the cost of one hour at a premium childcare centre now exceeds the price of a human heart on the dark web.

"Siao liao, the school fees more expensive than my wedding dinner, might as well the baby go find work now," complained local father Marcus Wong.

The authorities have helpfully suggested that parents simply stop eating to ensure their child has access to a plastic slide and lukewarm purée.

Experts predict that by 2030, enrolling a child in daycare will require the handover of all future inheritance and a spare kidney.