MOE Kindergartens are finally winning the war against happiness by teaching five-year-olds how to pack bags with the clinical precision of a bomb disposal unit.

By forcing toddlers into Primary 1 uniforms years early, the state ensures that any remaining sense of individuality is strangled before they can even spell "meritocracy."

Forget finger painting; these mini-Sinkies are now mastering the "meaningful routine" of staring blankly at a timetable until their souls officially exit through their tear ducts.

Parents are absolutely delighted that their children no longer cry at the school gate, mainly because the toddlers have already transitioned into fully-functioning, emotionally repressed corporate drones.

The five-week "experiential program" reportedly includes a mandatory tour of Shenton Way so children can choose which office cubicle they’d like to rot in for the next forty years.

If a child accidentally shows a spark of creativity, teachers quickly extinguish it with a heavy textbook and a cold dose of existential dread.