The March holidays have arrived, prompting desperate Singaporean parents to outsource their children’s happiness to industrial estates and overpriced ball pits.

Families are flocking to Pandan Loop to pay $25 for the privilege of touching garden pests that usually get crushed underfoot for free.

Meanwhile, "Dopamine Land" offers neon-soaked hallucinations to children whose brains consist of 90% Ten-Year Series past-year papers.

"Wah lau, paying twenty-five bucks to touch one small snail? Last time I find behind longkang for free one leh, now need to go Pandan Loop to see high-protein version," remarked one local parent.

Authorities hope these sterile, curated "adventures" will successfully distract the youth from their impending academic doom and lack of actual personality.