Singapore has officially surrendered its sovereignty to the Bishan-9 otter family. Forget the SPF; the new masters of the Marina are semi-aquatic sociopaths with a taste for expensive koi and human fear. NParks confirmed these furry hitmen are now legally authorized to maul anyone failing to offer a premium sashimi tribute.

“Eh, last time the mata just give saman, now these furry bastards bite my kkj because I never give way!” complained local uncle Tan Ah Kow. “They even got rank one, the alpha male wear Rolex better than me!”

Crime has plummeted as citizens remain barricaded indoors, terrified of becoming an otter’s afternoon snack. Finally, a law enforcement agency with actual teeth and zero mercy.