The Ministry of National Development has confirmed that Singaporean singles remain legally classified as "oversized toddlers" until their 35th birthday.

This biological anomaly ensures that anyone without a marriage certificate remains physically incapable of operating a front door key or choosing floor tiles.

"Wah lau, I 34 years old still sleeping in my Power Rangers bed at my mother house, damn sian," said local bachelor Tan Ah Kow.

Authorities maintain that the sudden onset of maturity at 35 magically allows singles to finally handle the immense responsibility of a two-room shoebox.

"Government think we are Peter Pan is it? I want to piak piak also no place, must go staircase or Geylang," complained another disgruntled citizen.

Until that milestone, singles are encouraged to continue sharing a bunk bed with their younger siblings to foster national resilience.

The policy aims to ensure that no one experiences the horror of privacy before their mid-life crisis officially begins.