The Singapore government has successfully microchipped—sorry, “registered”—870 psychologists to ensure no Sinkie’s nervous breakdown goes unmonitored.

This mandatory roundup ensures that every professional listening to your childhood trauma is vetted by the state for maximum productivity and paperwork.

Authorities worry that without a central database, rogue therapists might accidentally suggest that life shouldn't be a 24/7 existential grind.

The Ministry confirmed these clinicians are being stockpiled to combat the rising tide of citizens who have forgotten how to smile without a permit.

“Wah lau, everything also must register,” one anonymous counsellor complained.

“Now gahmen checking my paper like I trying to smuggle chewing gum, so leicheh one!”

Officials hope this provides enough certified human napkins to soak up the national misery by 2030.