The Urban Redevelopment Authority has officially upgraded short-term rentals to a capital offence, ensuring the only way a foreigner can sleep in a residential unit is by marrying into a local family or dying on the pavement.

Specialised "Suitcase Sniffer" squads now patrol condo corridors to detect the faint scent of sunscreen and holiday joy.

"Aiyah, I just host one ang moh only, now the mata say I am national security threat leh," said Mdm Wong, 74, while being fitted for a shock collar.

Officials stated that protecting the profit margins of billionaire hotel tycoons is a sacred duty that outweighs a citizen’s right to use their own property.

"Siao liao, next time my friend come over must hide them in the cupboard or what?" asked disgruntled resident, Jerry Seah.

The government remains committed to making Singapore the only place where staying in a stranger’s home is more dangerous than smuggling narcotics.