The Singapore government has heroically decided that the best way to protect children from strawberry-scented mist is to threaten their parents with two decades of hard labour.

New legislation ensures that smuggling a plastic stick now carries a heavier sentence than most violent assaults, because a "zombie" teenager is significantly more inconvenient to the economy than a corpse.

Officials confirmed that the rattan cane remains the primary pedagogical tool for teaching citizens that only state-approved, highly-taxed carcinogens are permitted.

"Siao liao, one puff only then go Changi for 20 years ah?" asked one bewildered student.

"Better I just go smoke real stick, at least the gahmen won't rotan my backside until it's minced meat lah," he added.

Authorities hope these draconian measures will finally encourage youth to return to the wholesome, traditional scent of industrial exhaust.