In a desperate bid to mask crumbling intimacy, Singaporean couples pay $150 to touch moist clay instead of each other.

Aesthetic craft workshops allow SInkie men to pretend they enjoy rug-tufting while dreaming of a quickie in a disabled toilet.

Experts suggest shaping lopsided ceramic bowls is the only way for local couples to climax without removing Uniqlo trousers.

"Wah lau, my boyfriend fingers the clay better than he fingers me," complained 26-year-old participant Cheryl Tan.

"Now we got ten ugly cups but no action since National Day, damn sian."

Participants post hideous creations online to prove their relationship isn't a hollow shell fueled by mutual resentment.

Ultimately, these workshops offer a safe space where the only thing getting wet is the spinning pottery wheel.