The Great Singaporean Buffet remains the only place on earth where civilised adults will trample an elderly relative for a slightly lukewarm lobster claw.

The government has officially recognised "Chilled Seafood Piling" as a national sport, alongside complaining and judging other people’s parenting.

At a recent session, one man was seen drinking melted butter directly from the fountain to ensure he didn't "waste the $98 plus-plus."

"Walao, you see that guy? He take so many oysters like he going for gold medal sia," remarked witness Lim Teck Hua.

"I also must faster take more chili crab, if not later the auntie behind me stab me with fork!"

Medical professionals confirm that a true patriot’s heart is at least 40% hollandaise sauce by the time they reach the dessert station.

National pride is currently measured by the ability to induce a massive medical emergency while successfully smuggling a croissant out in a napkin.