In a groundbreaking study that surprised absolutely no one, researchers confirmed that Singaporean women possess a finely tuned emotional radar capable of detecting subtle shifts in social standing from kilometres away. The ability, often misdiagnosed as simple “judgemental staring,” is apparently an evolutionary necessity in a society where maintaining a pristine exterior is paramount.

Dr Evelyn Tan, a sociologist who wished to remain anonymous, stated, “It’s not envy, lah. It’s strategic threat assessment. If your neighbour’s new handbag costs more than your entire annual bonus, you are obligated, as a good citizen, to mentally catalogue its flaws.”

One woman, waiting for her kopi, confided, “I see girl with new phone, I immediately check if the camera lens smudge. If not, I wonder how she get time to clean that thing when she clearly not busy enough.” Experts suggest that suppressing these vital negative emotions would result in catastrophic social failure, possibly leading to one being served lukewarm bubble tea.