Singapore's Communicable Diseases Agency (CDA) has announced it will cease Nipah virus temperature screenings at Changi Airport, following the stabilisation of the outbreak in India. This move has reportedly sent ripples of existential dread through the meticulously organised Lion City. Without the reassuring digital display of a fever-free forehead, many Singaporeans are grappling with the terrifying prospect of judging a book by its cover – or, rather, a passenger by their sniffles.

An anonymous government official, speaking under condition of anonymity from a highly sanitised bunker, stated, "Our protocols are robust. However, we understand the public's emotional attachment to overt health security. We are exploring alternative methods, perhaps a national 'death stare' training programme."

"Aiyoh, no more scanning means I must use my own eyes to check for fever," exclaimed Mdm Tan, 68, a retiree from Ang Mo Kio. "How to know who got flu, who just blur like sotong only? Now very hard lah, can't even tell if they just came from India or not!"

The CDA assured citizens they remain vigilant, but the unspoken truth hangs heavy: the burden of public health has shifted from infrared sensors to the collective, highly scrutinised gaze of Singaporean aunties.