Singapore's Total Fertility Rate has plunged to a catastrophic 0.87, confirming what many already suspected: Netflix subscriptions are at an all-time high.

DPM Gan Kim Yong's plea of "we cannot give up" has been reinterpreted as a national mandate for extreme procreation.

Insiders reveal that every eligible Singaporean couple will soon receive personalised "Fertility Key Performance Indicators."

Failure to hit monthly "try-hard" targets will result in mandatory counselling, featuring motivational videos of successful multi-child families in 3-room HDB flats.

Generous "Baby Bonus Plus" schemes are on the table, including free BTO upgrades for a third child and priority queueing for hawker centres.

The government is also considering a groundbreaking "Love Nests" pilot program, converting underutilised office spaces into productivity-optimised baby-making zones.

Because if we can be world-class in efficiency, surely we can make more efficient babies, right?