Singaporean lovers are flocking to Sentosa’s artificial shores to simulate intimacy amidst the romantic backdrop of sixty-eight rusty cargo ships.

Nothing says "I love you" like the sensation of coarse silica sand entering one’s reproductive organs during a frantic attempt at a handjob behind a plastic palm tree.

Local romantic, Darren Teo, confirmed that the combination of 98% humidity and industrial runoff provides the perfect lubricant for a first date.

"Siao eh, my kuku bird now got more sand than concrete, but at least can see the light from the oil tanker lor," Darren remarked while scratching his raw, inflamed groin.

Authorities remind citizens that public indecency is only punishable if the surveillance drones can distinguish your pale buttocks from a discarded plastic bag.

"Last time I try make out at East Coast, one monitor lizard come and bite my girlfriend’s backside, now she call me 'Biawak Boy' forever," complained another traumatised Sinkie.