The Singapore government has officially reclassified local childcare centres as high-yield offshore investment vehicles for toddlers.

Monthly fees have reached such astronomical heights that parents are now required to provide a notarised blood oath and a spare lung as a deposit.

“Wah lau, the price like buy Rolex every month sia,” said local father Tan Ah Kow while weeping over a preschool brochure.

“My son only know how to eat sand but the school charge me like he learning how to build rocket ship.”

Premium centres now offer a 'Diamond Tier' package where infants are taught to trade high-frequency derivatives instead of playing with Lego.

“Auntie, $2,500 for infant care? I think I just leave my baby at Giant supermarket air-con area better,” remarked one disgruntled mother.

Financial advisors now recommend that Singaporeans simply stop breathing to save enough for a single week of playgroup.