The Ministry of Social and Family Development has unveiled a revolutionary "Pay-Per-Scream" infant care model to help parents cope with university-level fees for babies who cannot even sit upright.

Under the new scheme, Singaporean couples are encouraged to trade their non-essential organs on the open market to ensure their offspring spends eight hours a day staring at a plastic mobile.

"Siao liao, the monthly fees more expensive than my luxury car instalment, I tell you," said local father Jerry Low, while listing his liver on Carousell.

"Now my government bonus only enough to buy two tins of milk powder and one packet of wet wipes, then everything finish liao, sibeh siong!"

Financial experts suggest that unless parents are willing to moonlight as high-stakes debt collectors, they should consider training their infants to perform remote data entry from the crib.

"Liddat how to have more kids? Better I go buy toto and pray for miracle," complained mother-of-one, Serene Ng.