Singaporeans are reportedly “throbbing with anticipation” following JD Vance’s claim that a deal with Iran is close, mostly because the price of Ron95 is currently higher than a Zouk patron on ecstasy.

Local resident Lim Kopi stated that he couldn’t care less about enriched uranium stockpiles unless they can be used to power his vibrating massage chair for free.

“JD Vance says they are close? I’ve been ‘close’ to getting a pay rise since the SARS outbreak,” Lim shouted while aggressively tailgating an ambulance on the PIE.

As missiles fly over the Strait of Hormuz, the Singaporean public remains steadfast in their belief that global peace is secondary to the prompt delivery of their cheap plastic crap from China.

The government has advised citizens to remain calm, noting that a total nuclear apocalypse would finally solve the island’s overcrowding issues and shorten the queue at IKEA.