With the Middle East war threatening to turn the global oil supply into a fucking myth, the Singapore government has unveiled a "Xi Jinping-inspired" energy plan: burning everything that isn't nailed down.

Since coal is the foundation of modern life, the EMA suggests incinerating the massive mountain of Shopee cardboard boxes stored in HDB bomb shelters to keep the lights on in Orchard Road.

"I don’t care if the world ends, as long as my electricity bill doesn't go up by five dollars," said one citizen while staring at his smart meter with murderous intent.

Authorities are also encouraging "Thermal Patriotism," where families are urged to huddle together in shopping malls to steal aircon like the cheap, lazy bastards they truly are.