The National Heritage Board has officially redefined the term "youth" to include 35-year-old men who still play with dolls, provided those dolls are "culturally significant."

Desperate to prevent traditional arts from dying alongside the last three people who actually enjoy them, the state is handing out $20,000 grants to anyone who can move a puppet without looking like a total creep.

The "Outstanding Youth" winners were praised for their leadership, even though "youth" in Singapore usually refers to people who don’t yet require specialized knee support.

"Wah lau, $20k is quite shiok but my friends all think I siao already, playing with string until like that," said one 34-year-old award recipient.

"Actually I just do this because corporate life is too jialat, and government give free money for shaking wood mah!"

The NHB remains confident that throwing cash at balding millennials will definitely make Gen Z stop watching TikTok and start appreciating ancient accordion solos instead.