The government has officially advised all Singaporeans to begin hyperventilating in a controlled manner following news that the Strait of Hormuz is currently a very expensive maritime parking lot.

With thirty per cent of the world’s helium trapped behind warships, the nation faces a terrifying future where semiconductor plants freeze and nobody can make high-pitched chipmunk noises at birthday parties.

The big boss confirmed that while he is "monitoring the situation closely," the national economy is prepared to deflate faster than a budget clown’s balloon animal.

"Every time people fight, we the one pay more, very sianz leh," complained one local delivery rider.

"Now even air also becoming expensive, might as well don't breathe lor!"