Local motorists are reportedly ecstatic as petrol prices hit record highs, with many drivers opting to trade their non-essential organs for a splash of Caltex diesel.

With 95-octane nearing the price of a vintage Bordeaux, Shell attendants have been instructed to point and laugh at anyone driving anything cheaper than a Porsche.

PM Lawrence Wong promised a "cushion" for the impact, which insiders suggest will be a literal IKEA cushion for drivers to bite down on while the oil companies go in dry.

"It’s about sustainability," one transport official stated while huffing 98-octane fumes.

"If you can’t afford $4 a litre, you’re clearly too poor to exist in this world-class city. Have you tried walking, you cheap fucks?"