Following the WHO’s emergency declaration, Singaporean employers have issued urgent reminders that "spontaneous organ liquefaction" is not a valid excuse to skip the Monday morning stand-up.

One prominent logistics firm clarified that while Ebola causes severe external bleeding, it does not officially cause a loss of Wi-Fi connectivity.

"If your retinas are still partially attached to your skull, you are legally obligated to attend the Zoom call," stated an HR circular leaked on Friday.

Kiasu aunties across the heartlands have already started hoarding industrial-grade saran wrap to seal their windows against the inevitable stench of their rotting neighbors.

The Ministry of Health is reportedly thrilled at the prospect of reviving SafeEntry, with engineers adding a "Blood Leakage Sensor" to all TraceTogether tokens.

"As long as the government gives out $300 in vouchers, I’m happy to watch my skin fall off in peace," said one local resident.