In a desperate bid to fix the national libido, SMRT has officially designated the Circle Line as a rolling "BDSM dungeon" during peak hours.

Young Singaporeans are reportedly opting for the morning commute over actual dates, citing the "unavoidable pelvic grinding" of the North-South Line as their primary source of physical intimacy.

The Land Transport Authority confirmed that "accidental" breast-to-back contact near Jurong East is now the nation’s leading cause of unplanned pregnancies.

"Actually ah, the sweat smell and the uncle pushing me into my boyfriend’s armpit very romantic one," said local student, Cheryl Tan.

"Last time we go hotel, now we just wait for the train to lurch suddenly so we can dry-hump for free between City Hall and Raffles Place."

Relationship experts suggest that the sheer trauma of a 20-minute signal breakdown is the only thing capable of making a Sinkie feel anything close to an emotion.