British Prime Minister Keir Starmer has officially entered the “crawling back to your toxic ex” phase of the UK’s post-Brexit life.

Desperate to fund Ukraine’s defense while possessing a national bank balance that looks like a poly student’s account after a night at Zouk, the UK is begging to join the EU’s $135 billion loan scheme.

Having realized that “sovereignty” cannot be exchanged for ammunition or even a basic plate of chicken rice, Starmer is attempting to rejoin the European family group chat via the finance tab.

“We are a proud, independent nation,” Starmer said while nervously checking if the EU commission had left his WhatsApp on 'read'.

“But if you guys are throwing around billions, we’d like to co-sign the debt like a deadbeat dad looking for a fresh start.”

Local analysts compared the move to a middle-aged uncle who bragged about his lucrative TOTO winnings, only to be found at a coffeeshop asking his former colleagues for a $50 "short-term bridge."

The UK government maintains this is a “strategic alignment,” which is diplomatic code for realizing that being alone is expensive and terrifying when the neighbors are shooting at each other.

Brussels officials are reportedly willing to talk, provided the UK stops pretending their personality is their best feature.