British tourist Julian Smythe-Ponsonby arrived at Maxwell Food Centre expecting a cinematic montage of shimmering satay and polite, air-conditioned service.

Instead, he was immediately concussed by a flying packet of 50-cent tissues launched by a 90-year-old grandmother guarding a plastic stool like a territorial honey badger.

"Eh hello, you think this one your grandfather road ah, stand there like lamp post while I chope the table," screamed local witness, Tan Boon Hock.

Julian’s dreams of Michelin-starred luxury evaporated in the 99% humidity while he stared at a plate of mystery viscera served by a hawker whose only joy was watching foreigners suffer.

The visitor was last seen weeping into a lukewarm Tiger beer after a pigeon mistook his artisanal tote bag for a communal toilet.

"Auntie, why you so like that? I just want to eat only leh!" he sobbed, failing miserably to sound local.