Donald Trump spent two hours in the Situation Room pretending to understand maps before announcing he’s basically saved the planet through the power of being loud.

The President claims Iran has agreed to stop building radioactive fireworks and let ships pass through the Strait of Hormuz without paying a "protection fee" to angry men in speedboats.

Tehran responded by reminding everyone they haven't said "yes" to Washington since the disco era and would like their $12 billion back in unmarked notes immediately.

Singaporeans, who couldn't find Iran on a map even if their life depended on it, expressed extreme indifference as long as the 95-octane price drops three cents.

"I don't care who gets vaporized as long as I can still afford to drive to JB for cheap groceries," said one resident while refreshing his stock portfolio.

Trump insists no money will be exchanged, proving he’s the master of the "no-cash, trade only" Carousell lowball negotiation style.