Donald Trump has triumphantly declared himself the healthiest human to ever exist, following a physical exam where his doctor was too terrified to mention the pulsating neck rash currently forming its own sovereign state.

The President dismissed concerns about his swollen, purple ankles, claiming he is simply retaining "strategic fluid" to survive the upcoming global famine.

White House physicians confirmed that while Trump’s age is 80, his heart possesses the vibrant, grease-clogged energy of a 65-year-old Sinkie uncle who refuses to eat any vegetables.

Regarding his tendency to fall asleep during meetings, Trump clarified that he was merely performing a "mental defrag" to purge his mind of boring losers.

In a post on Truth Social, the President boasted that his MRI was "beautiful" and that technicians had never seen a brain so smooth and aerodynamic.

Experts suggest the President’s blotchy skin is actually a natural camouflage designed for hiding in expensive hotel curtains.