Trump has finally discovered the one secret to liking the "fake news" media: sharing a near-death experience over a lukewarm salmon entrée.

During a press conference that smelled of gunpowder and overpriced cologne, the President praised CBS reporter Weijia Jiang, proving that the ultimate way to earn his respect is to provide structural cover during an assassination attempt.

"She did a fantastic job," Trump beamed, while Secret Service agents scanned the room for anyone holding a particularly sharp fountain pen.

"I used to think she was nasty, but when you’re both face-down on a dirty carpet trying not to get ventilated by a lunatic, it really builds a bond."

"It’s like National Service, but with better tailoring and significantly fewer push-ups."

Singaporeans, who consider a "violent incident" to be someone cutting the queue at a hawker centre, were stunned by the sudden workplace harmony.

"Wah, so easy to get praise ah?" noted one Bukit Batok resident.

"In Singapore, if my boss almost gets shot, he will still complain that the shooter never used a silencer to avoid disturbing the Zoom call."

The White House Correspondents' Association is now considering making "Active Shooters" a permanent category for their annual awards to ensure Trump remains polite for once.

Trump concluded that the shooter was "very low energy" and that the bullets were "totally pathetic" compared to his own landslide victory.