Donald Trump has promised to turn Iran’s infrastructure into a smoking crater by Tuesday, but Singaporeans are only panicking because 95-octane might soon cost more than a 4-room BTO.

As the Orange Man screams “Open the f***ing Strait” like a toxic SME boss at a Friday 5 PM meeting, local Grab drivers are already salivating over an impending $50 “World War 3 Surcharge.”

“Who cares about Tehran’s bridges?” asked one Sinkie, queueing for limited-edition Labubu toys. “As long as my $1.50 Temu parcels aren't delayed by a carrier strike group, I’m fucking golden.”

The gahmen has urged calm, though several uncles were seen filling up empty Milo tins at the Woodlands Shell station just in case.