Singapore’s latest tuition franchise, 'Distinction-Or-Death,' has officially replaced all remaining community playgrounds with high-yield academic extraction facilities.

The business model monetises "Total Parental Panic," ensuring that three-year-olds can solve complex calculus equations before they can even walk.

CEO Tan Ah Kow claims the franchise’s new ‘Sleep-Is-For-Losers’ package includes mandatory caffeine injections and an algorithm that screams algebra at sleeping infants.

"Wah lau, last time my girl only get 98 marks, so I sign her up for the 'Double-Distinction-Ultra-Fast-Pass' lor," said local mother, Mrs. Lim.

"If she don't get A* for PSLE, the franchise say can trade her in for a smarter child, very good value leh!"

Shareholders are ecstatic as national anxiety levels reach record highs, perfectly synchronised with the company's quarterly dividends.

Future expansion plans include installing exam desks directly into the womb to bypass the useless 'infancy' phase entirely.